I don't have the answer.
I never will.
God chose to change the plan, and take our baby early to be with Him in heaven.
We found out yesterday. Then we had to tell our children. How can a four year old understand, when I can't? Naomi cried for hours. "Why did our baby have to die? Why couldn't our baby stay in your tummy, then come live with us?"
I don't know.
Just when we were getting excited. Just when we made the big public announcement.
We've been here and done this before, nine years ago. We've heard all of the platitudes. We KNOW God is in control of all aspects of our lives. That He knows best.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I KNOW that God loves me and somehow this all fits into His plan. My faith is strong enough to rest in Him and accept what has happened.
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean I have to understand it. It doesn't mean I have to like it.
I trust Him. He will continue to shape me and mold me into the person He wants me to be. This is just another step along that journey, I suppose.
I never realized just how much I wanted to hold that little baby until the opportunity was taken away from me.
Selfish, I know.
"My son, if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom, and apply your heart to understanding; Yes, if you cry out for discernment, and lift up your voice for understanding, If you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; Then you will understand the fear of the LORD, and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; From His mouth come knowledge and understanding, He stores up sound wisdom for the upright; He is a shield to those who walk uprightly; He guards the paths of justice, and preserves the way of His saints." Proverbs 2:1-8